Jake Gylenhaal Signs On To Star In Balloon Boy Movie

There has been word from Gylenhaal’s camp that he is, in fact, going to star in the TLC made-for-tv movie loosely based on the Stormchasing, fame-driven Heene story. It will be written as a prequel to his ground-breaking Film Noir about polymer, Bubble Boy, from a decade earlier. This is a dual role for Gylenhaal, he’s playing the father in the the past and an all-grown-up version of the Balloon Boy as the narrator.  Parts of the plot for the movie were leaked by Jon Gosselin’s camp, out of retaliation for TLC not running with his show idea. At a pitch meeting, Jon proposed “Gosselin Squares,” a take on Hollywood Squares with all of Jon’s children at the spots (Jon as the center square, of course).  He wanted OctoMom to play a Charo-like Vanna White roll, but production felt it inappropriate for a woman with 14 kids to yell, “coochie coochie coochie” on national television. Gosselin also wanted Ryan Seacrest to host, but Ryan’s out of commission until his CPU , modem and backup skinsuit are taken of off back-order from the Bayside Animatronics-Robotics Factory (BARF). Jon allegedly took the Balloon Boy script treatment as collateral. The script reads: Bubble Boy Beginnings: A Soaring Falcon.

Go EXORCIST Around Bible-Thumpers

Don’t you just hate it when you’re on the train, after a long day of work or on one of those “Zombie  Monday Mornings” you got a seat, you might even be dozing off, and…here it comes: “REPENT, REPENT, you are all sinners, you need Jesus.” Some Bible-thumping lunatic bag lady with a fur coat in July is in the middle of the train car shouting at the top of her lungs about “Matthew 7:1″. When is this ever welcomed? And of course, in our true New York fashion, we just ignore her like she isnt even there-even when she busts out the crucifix and Holy Water.  I always wonder: What are their real jobs? How do they support themselves? Are they on SSI for mental disability and unhireable? I cant stand when someone tries to push their religious beliefs on me- especially when you’re trapped underground on a train. Rather than just sitting there and being judged by ‘Frankie’ for a 20 minute train ride, just “Go Exorcist” when they really get annoying. Go white-eyed,  start convulsing, speaking in tongues. Mimic everything they say. What do you have to lose, there’s 6 more stops left on the train, you’ll never see these people again, it’s funny as hell and they deserve it.  I don’t preach to everyone about my love of cheeseburgers, why can’t they contain themselves? Preach back. I once “preached” the entire AM New York Horoscope and the Celebrity Birthdays section on a D-train one morning when this lady wouldn’t shut the hell up about the Rapture. If she was talking about Anita Baker, I would have been cool…but she wasn’t. It was a Monday, I was feeling like having a Joe Wilson/ Kanye West moment anyway. It perked up my morning, it’ll probably do the same for you. It also works great when the Jehovahs Witnesses knock on your door at 7:36 on a Saturday morning.

The Burn List, a definition by c/A

BURN IT, SHRED IT, I DON’T CARE… That episode title from Damages season 2 always stuck in my head. If there were ever a way I could just wipe some things from people’s conciousness, I want to make sure my list is ready. Whether it’s a Pregnant Uggs-wearing Tea Party Ralleyer smoking a cigarette, toting a shotgun or the ubiquitous Mariachi band on the crowded subway during rush hour. Let’s not even get into the number of male enhancement/erectile dysfuction commercials we see on the tv nowadays, it’s the “tampon craze” of the 90s all over again (and how the hell is there an Extenze for women? If her clit turns into a dick, I’m killing myself). RYAN SEACREST SHAM-WOW COMMERCIALS JOHN GOSSELIN *whooosh* they all disappear.

UGGS.1

Just another cruel, lingering joke given to us by the Aussies, like Nicole Kidman and Steve Irwin weren’t enough. Americans failed to grasp that Uggs were intended to be around-the-house shoes- would you walk on the train in a bathrobe? (some asshole just said yes) It’s what you wear in the Outback on the weekends when you’re rangling ‘Roos and putting Crocs on the barby or maybe to Big Bird’s funeral or to Paula Abdul’s weekend Pharma Parties. On the other hand, Crocs-the shoes-I can totally defend/ endorse..sometimes comfort does trump style. However, Uggs are disgusting and cause me to act out inappropriately: sometimes I get spontaneous Tourette’s Syndrome  on these NYC streets and just shout: “uuuuuugggghs” (you can quote that). That always helps stave off the hurling too, but the animal-print ones are like a flourescent lightbulbs to an epileptic- i just start seizing up. Sometimes  I’ll tell a girl, “I love your Uggs”, and the girls always reply “thanks,” with a smile. It takes a special kind of stupid to think I’m legitimately complimenting you on your footwear; every Uggs purchase should come with a Dunce Hat or a protective helmut. Charge the people who laugh and point at you, so you can recoup some of  your cash, you should’ve bought heels-they pay for themselves… Ladies (and some men too) limit the uggage, its a motor oil stain on your wardrobe and I personally like and respect you a little less for the headache you just gave me. It makes y’all look like live-action cartoon characters-I can’t *shake my head* enough. The worst is when the heel of the “shoe” is all corroded from water damage and overuse, leaning to one side like a deformed foot or a bad foot-binding experiment. All those women wearing imitation Uggs are smart; why drop two bills on a what looks like suede surgical boot when you can just get the Fuggs from the discount store for $17.99, spend the rest on pampers, groceries and a good mental health professional. >>read on>>