Now this really is the oldest one in the book and the easiest to act out: You’re cold, pull out your ATM card and go into an ATM vestibule.
But wait, there’s more. We all know that you can use your ATM card at any bank, whether it’s your’s or not, meaning your card opens the door to ever bank vestibule in the city- 24 hours a day. Yes that does mean you can throw an impromptu after party there once the club dies down at like 3 o’clock in the morning. Just don’t stay there too long, you’re on not-so-candid camera and some (or most) banks have real people on the other side of those cameras, monitoring their vestibules throughout the night and they will call the cops on you.
Having an ATM card, even if it’s for a closed account at a insolvent bank, can be a lifeline for you. A ticket to sanctuary when you just can’t brave the elements anymore. I once ate an entire four-course meal in a Bank Of America vestibule wait out the rain and wait for a bus. Only in New York. Bank designers are smart, however, you will almost never find an electrical outlet in a bank vestibule because if they did that, it would officially be The Spot and people would never leave.
Obviously this works in any city, obviously.
As I said in a previous post, I once had to run in a hospital to charge my phone because it was threatening suicide and I was miles and hours from home. I get inside the emergency room, CNN’s on the tv and Lorna Doone biscotti-style cookies and Dole juice cups (3 flavors) are on rolling cart for all to take. I thought, “what a spread,” it’s like a welcome wagon for the infirmed and phone-addicted.
Yeah, I ran the risk of coming down with swine flu, but, my phone’s green light was blinking. I don’t know if other hospitals cater like this, but you should check it out, you never know when you might need a cranberry juice and some battery life.
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If you’re on your Recessionistic hustle you should already know that you can get free condoms from the ER, doctor’s clinic and from your school’s Student Union. Unfortunately we all aren’t matriculating at this time and the last time I visited an Emergency Room was to charge my blackberry at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center when I was in The Heights on a ‘produce run,’ but that’s an entirely different story, or two.
A couple of years Mayor Bloomberg and the Office Of The City Of New York Department Of Health came up with a genius idea: 
NYC-owned condoms, to be distributed throughout the city at social/communal venues free of charge. *WIN* A little extra money kept in my wallet (I already don’t believe in buying condoms, matches/lighters and water.) Next time you go out, you’ll notice a little wicker basket or a small fishbowl filled with condoms at the door of a bar next to the bouncer. (By the way, it’s etiquette to take as you leave, not on your way in. That appears a little presumptuous, doesn’t it.) Other establishments that receive “Apple Wrappers” are barber shops, beauty salons, community centers, (acting) theaters and others, I’m sure. Highest concentration of free condoms are in Manhattan’s East and West Villages, that was kind of a given though, with all the clubs, bars, lounges, druggies and male prostitutes, the streets should be lined with latex.
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That’s right I said free. Now don’t get it twisted, Hale & Hearty’s not out there giving away mini quiches and cheese squares to the general public, but if you go in there and ask for a couple (or seven) samples of their soups they’ll give it to you. Their soups are delicious and hearty (haha, like the name), but I have a hard time spending $5.69 on 4 ounces of anything. Them numbers are kind of off, I’m a native, and don’t buy into the frou frou hype. Between Cosi’s, Jamba Juice, Starbucks, Hale & Hearty, Pinkberry, Grom, and Au Bon Pan I would be out $200 a week-this aint Gossip Girl, I got bills to pay. I can’t get down like that. The workers at Hale & Hearty will give you as many samples as you want and they have free crackers and water with lemon slices. In my book, that’s a full Recessionist’s appetizer on the go.
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I know all the lushes out there are with me, they would co-sign, but they’re too twisted to speak.
I’m not saying get wrecked before the party, I’m saying get loose and save some dough. (Segue: eat some dough before you drink, you’ll thank me in the morning.) Clubowners/bartenders are crazy these days, I don’t think they know it’s still a Recession. They’ll charge you $26 for a watered down Long Island iced Tea and look at you with a straight face like that’s how it’s supposed to taste for that price. Kill yourself. I tried to get the thing that’s all liquor and I’m still sober, I calling Shenanigans on all NYC club/bars. How about I hit up the liquor store on my way there and “get right” for $10.89. That’s what twist caps were made for: me mixing vodka and tropicana in a phone booth on 23rd street.
Post Script: If you get too drunk, you will be the one under the coats drooling on your shoulder in the corner. Ease up…and remember, in Winter, you might not feel that drunk outside, but when you get inside and it’s warm, you’ll feel it for sure.
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We all know the pitch, “Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I’m not here trying to sell candy for a basketball team, I’m just selling candy to stay out of trouble and make something out of myself. I got Reese’s, Starburst, M&M…..” I say, why not help these kids out, they deserve some kind of acknowledgement for trying to be productive. They could just be hanging on the block making themselves a target and a stereotype. C’mon, what would they really be doing if they didn’t have their M&M hustle? They would be hustling something else, and we know it.
I consider giving those kids money an act of charity with a cookie crunch/ nougat receipt. The same thing kind of goes for the break-dancing kids on the train too, but sometimes you don’t want to give them your money when they nearly kick you in the face, trying to do a back flip- Everyone knows the A and D trains jolt/jerk when it approaches 125th Street.
It might sound crazy or antiquated, but the best when you’re in a rush the best way to get through a crowd is to walk directly into oncoming [pedestrian] traffic. Those not from the city might be picturing themselves getting trampled right about now, but it’s nothing like that. Think about it, how is the person in front of you going to know you want to get ahead: they can’t see you. So you spend countless seconds walking like you’re in Downtown Beijing, stepping on people’s heels when you could’ve been where you were going already. “Wait” is truly a four-letter word here, we can’t do it. The New York , New Yorker walks into the oncoming lane of people and knowing how ‘real recognizes real,’ everyone moves accordingly…the not-so-natives freeze up like deers in headlight and that’s where the trampling imagery comes from.
Try not to go shopping around the first of the month. Supermarkets jack up their prices around that time because they know there’s going to be an influx of people shopping using the money they received from government benefits (Social Security and Welfare, unempliyment is weekly, etc.) The best time to shop is between the 10th and the 20th. This one might apply to the whole nation, not just New York, but I can’t speak for them… Damn, I gotta go shopping this weekend.
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Yup! Like the title says: “free;” there are still some things you can get in New York City without shelling out any beans. Most banks have little coffee areas in their main lobbies, I know Bank Of America, HSBC and Chase usually do it- up until about 1 pm, also. Don’t worry about it not being your bank or not having an actual debit card. Just walk to one of the ATM machines, swipe your metrocard and intently stare at the welcome screen for about 30 seconds, look frustrated and walking away. Then take your cup of coffee and call it a day.
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In general, try to shop at stores on the side streets, opposed to the ones on the Avenues. Side street shops have lower rents, therefore they don’t have to charge exorbitant prices to recoup their losses.
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